Stop yelling at the fish: The pain of childhood trauma and dismissing it. But what about God?

It’s hard when people minimize and label for people their lifelong trauma. The symptoms of this trauma come out through a person who might struggle with anger, be too clingy, unexplainably anxious, or unable to connect well. To take a story of pain or their symptoms and throw it in a person’s face with some simplified approach to their getting better makes you another bully in their story, too. Let’s stand back and consider what it would truly be like to grow up in a world where, after every wrongdoing you might have done, you were diminished verbally, physically beaten, and neglected.

We assume and project that people’s brains and journeys were ours in some way, and other people just chose differently than us in their decisions. To be honest, that is narrow-minded of us and foolish. I did not walk every single day in their shoes, so their reality is not mine. The shaping of their foundation and view of the world might be far from mine. The taste of a different life for them might have only been introduced when I shook their hand. They have never experienced love or anything different.

Let’s bring in the church and its role in this process. Its approach to people with trauma could be powerful and healing, or it could add to the already-held negative beliefs of a person and bring more pain. Understanding on our part is what determines the direction things will take.

I think for some people the best way to understand a life of trauma is looking at two different types of God’s creation. A fish grows in water and spends its life swimming, while a dog is born on land and spends its life walking. To ever expect the fish to walk is absurd because it does not have legs, and to think a dog can spend its whole life in water is not possible at all. That’s how it is for someone who has had extensive childhood trauma. Maybe they can’t walk but only know how to swim, period. Now could they learn over time with the right set of circumstances, sure. But to ask them to get up and walk like you is impossible to start with. Go yell at a fish to walk and tell me how it goes! I guarantee you it does not work because fish don’t have legs (the tools) to walk with. You cannot just force them into existence.

This leads me to my next point: how does a person learn to walk!? How can the church help?! I am aware that as people, we all generally have legs and look the same, but inside, we are not all the same. There is no outside label that displays a fish or dog to help us know the environment a person grew up in, although it would be nice to have that! The reality is we do not find these things out until we get to know someone! We quickly realize as we engage in deeper conversation that they are not like you; their story is different. This is often when people disengage from going deeper. Fishes and dogs feel uncomfortable being friends, so they pull away. The journey continues through life, and the loneliness becomes deeper. Everyone wants to send them to counseling — which is needed, do not get me wrong — but it does not help with the whole picture. To heal from a life of trauma takes YEARS!!  Most people never attain anything close to any type of healing. The rejection can run so deep, the reality inside can be dark, and goodness those internal voices are loud! This is where community found in church can be the game changer! God intended for the church to be a place that we go to and live out His heart and design!! To display His goodness through community and relationship. Where the fish gets to maybe learn how to walk!! He gets to be immersed with those walking, have his counseling during the week, and find community in the setting that God designed to get better.

I often explain to my clients that Paul’s letters in the New Testament were him teaching other cultures or groups of people about God’s heart and design! After Christ's resurrection and what we read in Acts, thousands were coming to experience God’s love for the first time, but they were still trying to be fish! It was not working. They were teaching things mixed with God’s heart and creating all sorts of issues! Bringing idols to church, worshipping random stuff and God, yelling out in church. I think you get my point. They were excited and lost. Paul wrote letters, and others wrote letters to each group, working on teaching who God was while trying to make sure their wives were not causing a scene by yelling at their husbands during service. I mean, how awkward! (I prefer elbowing mine when the message is for him.) The fish and dogs were all in the same room trying to do this thing together. None were doing it well or perfect, but their heart was there. They were diving into the things of God and learning His ways. It was amazing!!

So many had found community, connection, identity, and understanding about who they are. Goodness, I hope and pray you are catching my point!! As a counselor, I can do amazing things with treatment and God’s help, but I cry out for healthy communities to send the fish to. They need love and to learn how to walk by being with others. They do not need people yelling at them or forcing things but people to walk with them! As a person becomes immersed in community along with counseling they naturally start to shift because they see a different way, a healthy way of doing things, their brain starts some new pathways and they see the way that God designed for them to be. This process takes awhile and many of us are so impatient and forceful instead of allowing the process to unfold. I have watched with my own eyes day after day people just start embracing “healthy” because it feels freeing and wonderful. I do not force anything! I teach, provide interventions, listen, and love them, and the Lord in their personal walk does the rest!

We have an opportunity right in front of us to be what Jesus called us to, to make disciples. I never saw Jesus forcing anything but teaching, living, and loving. He taught and displayed who God was, He called things out with such tenderness and love. He could see their hearts, the pain of broken creation. His heart was moved and grieved, He wept. Before you go and try to “fix” someone if there are no tears in your eyes for their story you might not be the person who is supposed to open your mouth.

-Joanna